There was a time, not so long ago, when your car was just, well… a car. A thing with wheels and a steering wheel and a radio that only picked up BBC Radio 2 if you parked at the right angle during a full moon.
It didn't talk to you. It didn't talk to other cars. It didn't try to download software updates while you were bombing down the M1. It certainly didn't call up the dealership to order its own spare parts like some sort of overly helpful butler.
But that, dear reader, is changing faster than a Ferrari's fuel gauge. We are now entering an era where Artificial Intelligence - the same stuff powering your suspiciously nosy smart speaker - is preparing to take the wheel, quite literally.
And I, for one, am both fascinated and vaguely terrified.
Cars That Chat Like Old Ladies at the Garden Centre
Let's begin with the most amusing and slightly bonkers of developments: cars that talk to each other. Not in the Knight Rider “Hello Michael, shall I engage turbo boost?” sort of way (although I'm sure Musk has that feature pencilled in for a Tuesday), but in a more subtle, networked, data-sharing style.
Yes, connected cars are about to become the natter boxes of the motorway. “Oi, brake hard ahead!” says the Vauxhall Astra to the Ford Focus behind it. “Watch out, pothole coming up near Junction 12,” murmurs a Hyundai to its mates, like an AA meeting for suspension systems.
It's called V2V - vehicle-to-vehicle communication - and it promises to prevent accidents, reduce traffic jams, and make you feel like your car is gossiping about your bad driving behind your back. Which, frankly, it probably is.
This may sound wonderfully futuristic - like your car becoming your slightly neurotic co-pilot - but imagine the chaos when they start forming opinions. What happens when your car refuses to drive behind a Nissan Leaf because it “looks like one of those remote controlled hamsters"? Or decides not to share data with a BMW because, well, “those lot never use their indicators anyway”?
When Cars Drive Themselves (And Leave You in the Cupholder)
Then we have the holy grail of car-related AI nonsense: self-driving cars. A thing that was once the stuff of sci-fi novels, but is now being tested in Milton Keynes of all places (the land of roundabouts).
Companies like Tesla, Google (yes, the one that probably knows what brand of socks you wear), and even Apple are throwing billions at the idea of cars that don't need you at all.
You'll climb in, mumble something about needing to get to Waitrose, and your four-wheeled companion will whisk you off, all while you scroll through your phone, do your taxes, play Candy Crush until your thumbs go numb.
Sounds great, doesn't it? But here's the rub: AI, clever as it is, occasionally does things that are a little… mad. Like thinking a cardboard cut-out of a pedestrian is real, or assuming that a fire truck parked at an angle is simply part of the scenery.
Do we trust it to navigate Birmingham at rush hour while your dog's in the back seat barking at squirrels? I'm not so sure.
Cars That Fix Themselves - Just What We Need, More Judgement
But perhaps the strangest, most Orwellian trick AI is learning is this: cars that diagnose themselves and then ORDER THEIR OWN PARTS.
Tesla, being Tesla, is leading the charge here. Apparently, if your Model 3 notices that its flux capacitor (or whatever) is a bit wonky, it will ring up Tesla HQ and say, “Terribly sorry, I appear to need a new actuator. Send one to Milton's house, would you?”
This is either incredibly helpful or the beginning of a terrifying age in which your car decides it no longer likes your choice in spark plugs and sells itself for parts out of spite.
More importantly - do you want your car ordering things behind your back? What if it gets a bit carried away? You park it overnight and in the morning, it's bought a new spoiler, upgraded its brakes, and subscribed to Car and Driver magazine. On your card.
At what point does “smart” become “annoyingly presumptuous”? Can I ask any more panicked questions about this? Yes, but I would like to simply forget this new bank breaking information.
The Pitfalls: Hackers, Glitches, and Ghosts in the Machine
Now look, all this is terribly clever and filled with promise. Fewer accidents. Better traffic flow. Cars that act like mechanics, chauffeurs, and therapists all in one.
But as with all great leaps forward - from nuclear power to online dating (questionable) - there are pitfalls.
What if someone hacks your car and reroutes you to Slough for a laugh? What if AI decides that you, a humble human being, are actually the weak link in the driving equation and locks you out entirely?
And let's not forget the sheer joy of driving. The manual gearbox. The burble of a well-tuned V8. The smell of hot brakes on a damp British B-road. Will AI ever replicate that?
Or will it replace it with serene silence, seat massagers, and preloaded Coldplay albums? …Okay maybe this doesn't sound too bad.
Conclusion: A Brave New Road Ahead (Bring Snacks)
AI is changing the car, whether we like it or not. From vehicles that talk to each other, to ones that do away with us entirely, it's a revolution on wheels.
There is excitement here, yes. And potential. And undeniable convenience. But there's also the creeping suspicion that one day soon, your car may know a little too much about you. It may correct your driving. Recommend a new playlist. Suggest you cut back on the beers.
And then - worst of all - it may decide it doesn't need you anymore. Until then, enjoy the ride. While you still can.
If you'd like a follow-up on the AI-powered MOTs, virtual co-drivers, or why your car might soon have a better social life than you, just honk twice. Or, you know, message me like a normal person.
No Teslas were harmed in the writing of this blog. But one did try to email me halfway through.
Now, we may not offer cars that gossip about potholes or order their own brake pads just yet - but we do offer some seriously cool driving experiences. Fancy a bite of the future? Book an Electric Car Experience and get behind the wheel of a Tesla or BMW i8. Or, if you're after that proper sci-fi movie buzz (minus the self-driving bit), try one of our Movie Car Driving Experiences. They won't talk to you - but they will make you feel like you're in the sequel to something loud and expensive.
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